Hey, can I tell you a secret?
I’ve thought so many times how to end my life.
In a easiest and painless way.
How to say bittersweet goodbyes without holding back.
I remember myself holding a knife in my left hand.
Where should I stab myself?
In heart? In neck? In stomach?
I was hoping that day I will be covered with blood.
I remember also myself holding a blade,
tracing it on my wrist.
I remember how broken and sad I was,
I really remember how desperate I am to die.
I have an incredible parents, yes.
But I don’t remember the happy days of my childhood.
I was being compared to anyone.
People cursed me for not being enouggh in their sight.
I was being punished for the mistakes I’ve never done.
No one was there to comfort me.
I even cursed my God because of so much sufferings I had.
I blamed Him that He let me born in this world.
I hated Him for a long time.
And so are my parents.
And my brother.
And those I considered as my best friends.
If they care about me so much, then why am I hurting?
I should have killed my self, I thought.
Until one day, everything has changed.
He heard my cries, I guessed.
Yet, my pain didn’t end.
It became worst.
Words that came out from their mouths,
became a sword that strooke at my heart fiercely. Deeply.
Their harshful words became my daily reminder.
“You are not enough. And you will never be enough.”
“Wala kang kwenta kahit kailan.”
“Tatanga tanga ka kasi.”
“Mamatay ka na.”
They even wished me to die.
Like my wish to myself.
Can I tell you another secret?
I’m still alive.
I allowed my dark world to consume me for years,
to the point that I felt my life was just a waste.
I grew tired being a slave of my past,
being broken and empty.
I thought I would never forgive them.
I thought I would be a prisoner of sadness that slowly will kill me.
I realized, that life was worth-living afterall.
I pray. I wait.
Can I tell you one more secret?
I lived because of those people.
Whom I thought would destroy me until the end.
I opened my heart.
I forgave. I forget.
I have thought of ending my life more often than counting my age.
But today, I chose not to.
I now want to live longer that I thought.
I now want to see another world after that I’ve been through.
I now want to have a better view of life.
I now want to live by faith and not by sight.
I now want to learn how how to love.
And to feel how it is being loved.
I now want to travel.
I now want to see my stolen pictures,
me wearing a happy heart.
I now realized that life will not end just because
we want to.
I now want to believe that this monster will die
and will no longer have power in me.
“For I am now in charge of my own thoughts.
They are no longer in charge of me.”
Disclaimer: Her 20 year old secret ay ginawa ko at ang isang post sa isang blog ang ginamit ko bilang halimbawa.