#Personal

her 21st.

For the past years, I never wanted to celebrate my birthday with the usual food in the table set-up. But since I have friends who expect too much that I will invite them to my party since its my birthday, napipilitan akong maghanda. We’re not that rich like those people who celebrate their birthdays in sumptuous ways. Okay na nga sa’kin yung may maipakain lang sa kanila kapag pumunta sila sa bahay. That’s how simple I am.

Same as with the gifts. I’m not expecting any gifts either. Basta ako, I’ll be fine with just treating myself into a new restaurant or buy something that I really want or take myself into a place where I could breathe and relax. Just like that.

But my Lord had blessed me and He’s still pouring it out on me and on my family as well. There are opportunities and chances that were on my way whenever I go. Nakakakilig lang, kasi kapag pinagpala ka ni Lord, idadamay na rin Niya yung lahat ng mga tao na nasa paligid mo. Yieee!

Last year, my friends – volleyball/running buddies (Kier, Manicris, Kessel, Cindy, Crizel and Nylyn) gave me a Bible. As in yung Bible na sinabi ko sa sarili ko na bibilhin ko talaga after I finish reading my old Bible – which is 7 years na sa akin. See, it’s been years and until now hindi ko pa rin tapos basahin ang Bible. Kinikilig talaga ako that time and even until now kapag naalala ko yung surprise nila. And this year, they gave me a 2017 journal. And it looks so feminine, but it’s really nice. Talagang mapapajournal na ako, no?

More than the gifts, I can really say na ang lakas lakas ko sa Lord. I’m not really worthy for everything that I have, I don’t deserve any of this – even His love and mercy. But, He is kind and His love endures forever. He made sure na I will always be safe and secure every now and then. Nako, sa pagtawid pa nga lang sa kalsada eh. Feeling ko tuloy pang ilang buhay ko na ito. Haha! But like what I said, He blessed me and my soul indeed, though I’m not worthy.

And oh, let me add. He also blessed me on my on-the-job training. I have a five bosses and they became good to me. I remember before nung ininterview ako sa company na yun, I prayed na sana maging mabait yung mga magiging bosses ko. And He answered my prayer. They became so good to me. Natuto ako hindi lang for technical but also how to work that includes heart, dedication, initiative and so on.

I remember the last day of my ojt, my boss asked me if I could extend my training. Hindi na ako pumayag even though babayaran na ako nang 75% ng minimum wage. Reasons: napapagod na akong gumising sa umaga, tumakbo para makipaghabulan sa mga jeep at sa shuttle service. But more than that, I declined her offer for me to remind myself na nagtraining ako doon not fot the sake of money/allowance. Before, bukambibig ko kasi yung sana malaki yung allowance ganon ganyan. But its just a 25-pesos meal allowance lang ang matatanggap namin for the 50 days of training. Ngayong in-offer na sakin yung 75%, umayaw na ako. Kasi okay na ako eh, masasabi ko na sa sarili ko na hindi ako mukhang pera. And besides, sobrang bait nila sa akin. Doon palang solve na ako, kaya okay na. Kuntento na ako.
Dear: Paps,

I never got the chance to express my heart how thankful and grateful I am. Sobra sobrang pagmamahal for me to cover under your wings, it’s more than enough. And I want to thank You for the past twenty years of my life. Nagkakabali-baligtad man ang mundo ko, huminto man sa pag-ikot, You never change. You’re still the God whom I love ever since and until now. Thank You, my Lord. I offer you this another year of my life. Bless me, my family and my friends in everything we do and say. Thank You, Lord.

I love my recent life. Woooo!

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#Personal

her 20 year old life secret

Hey, can I tell you a secret?

I’ve thought so many times how to end my life.

In a easiest and painless way.

How to say bittersweet goodbyes without holding back.

I remember myself holding a knife in my left hand.

Where should I stab myself?

In heart? In neck? In stomach?

I was hoping that day I will be covered with blood.

I remember also myself holding a blade,

tracing it on my wrist.

I remember how broken and sad I was,

I  really remember how desperate I am to die.

I have an incredible parents, yes.

But I don’t remember the happy days of my childhood.

I was being compared to anyone.

People cursed me for not being enouggh in their sight.

I was being punished for the mistakes I’ve never done.

No one was there to comfort me.

I even cursed my God because of so much sufferings I had.

I blamed Him that He let me born in this world.

I hated Him for a long time.

And so are my parents.

And my brother.

And those I considered as my best friends.

If they care about me so much, then why am I hurting?

I should have killed my self, I thought.

Until one day, everything has changed.

He heard my cries, I guessed.

Yet, my pain didn’t end.

It became worst.

Words that came out from their mouths,

became a sword that strooke at my heart fiercely. Deeply.

Their harshful words became my daily reminder.

“You are not enough. And you will never be enough.”

“Wala kang kwenta kahit kailan.”

“Tatanga tanga ka kasi.”

“Mamatay ka na.”

There.

They even wished me to die.

Like my wish to myself.

But, hey.

Can I tell you another secret?

I’m still alive.

Breathing.

Living.

I allowed my dark world to consume me for years,

to the point that I felt my life was just a waste.

I grew tired being a slave of my past,

being broken and empty.

I thought I would never forgive them.

I thought I would be a prisoner of sadness that slowly will kill me.

I realized, that life was worth-living afterall.

I pray. I wait.

Can I tell you one more secret?

I survived.

I lived because of those people.

Whom I thought would destroy me until the end.

I  opened my heart.

I forgave. I forget.

I have thought of ending my life more often than counting my age.

But today, I chose not to.

I now want to live longer that I thought.

I now want to see another world after that I’ve been through.

I now want to have a better view of life.

I now want to live by faith and not by sight.

I now want to learn how how to love.

And to feel  how it is being loved.

I now want to travel.

I now want to see my stolen pictures,

me wearing a happy heart.

I  now realized that life will not end just because

we want to.

I now want to believe that this monster will die

and will no longer have power in me.

“For I am now in charge of my own thoughts.

They are no longer in charge of me.”

Disclaimer: Her 20 year old secret  ay ginawa ko at ang isang post sa isang blog ang ginamit ko bilang halimbawa.